COVENANT OF PEACE

Lately, we have been trying to establish peace and kindness constantly in our home.
We have each person promise at our evening prayer, that they will be kind all day the next day and keep the peace. They put their name in the jar and if they are kind at the end of the next day, they get a treat for being sweet (usually a bowl of ice cream or a 15 min fun computer game)
It is helping a lot - one day at a time...

GRADING RELATIONSHIPS
Another way we are rewarding keeping their covenant of peace focuses on their relationships between each person in the family.
I decided to cut out friends for a while and focus on family.
I sat down with each of them and graded their relationship was with each family member.
If they have A's and B's with everyone, they can play with friends-home or away
If they have C's, they can play with friends at our house- where I can supervise them
If they have D's or F's, they don't get to play with friends-they need to strengthen their family
- Here's how they move up... if they are kind all morning long, they can move a step (C- to C)... that's only for the people they were absolutely peaceful and respectful towards. Then we repeat it again in the afternoon and evening *(There are 3 grading periods).
-They can move down at any time by being disrespectful- saying or doing mean things... and it can move down more than a step... depending on the severity... I grade at regular times each day...not in the moment when I might judge annoying things too harshly.

-I also link this to phones... To have a phone, you need to be consistently kind to family (the overall qualifications for a phone are RESPONSIBLE + EMOTIONALLY MATURE... see this link:
Cell phone readiness)

ANGER- A Cause or An Effect?

I've always thought I had an ANGER problem,

but after reading "Bonds That Make us Free" by C. Terry Warner,

I have learned that when I handle things wrong, I feel angry as a result.

Negative feelings are a sign that I CHOOSE THE WRONG or ignored a spiritual prompting.

(By choosing the wrong, I mean being rude or impatient or justice-oriented).

When CHOOSE THE RIGHT, We feel Positive Feelings= PEACE and LOVE.

(CTR by handling each moment in the Right or Best Way, or following a prompting)

By choosing the right (being kind, loving, patient), we PREVENT anger.

This is so much easier than trying to calm down or get rid of anger.

If we do choose the wrong, all isn't lost...

the Spirit/Holy Ghost can help us see the RIGHT thing to do NOW.

(Like a Navigator- redirecting our course to get us back on track)

So, we don't have to stay in a negative mood.

We get out by choosing the right or best now.

I drew a diagram of the brain, showing that in each moment,  

if we choose the right, our thoughts go on an upper track and the outcome is positive feelings.

If we choose the wrong, our thoughts go on a negative track and we feel negative feelings.

 

Obedience/Respect Training & Family Chores

OUR FAMILY VALUES

1. OBEDIENCE (receive instructions & obey quickly)

2. SACRIFICE (accept no answers & do duty before play)

3. LOVE (disagree respectfully, don’t emotionally or physically abuse people or property)

4. CLEANLINESS (Clean body & room and Leave no trace- tidy up after yourself)

SKILLS PARENTS & CHILDREN SHOULD DEVELOP

4 BASIC SKILLS PARENTS should develop:

1. Teach “WHY” (give the reason) before the “what” (the instruction or no answer).  Always use persuasion, kindness, pure knowledge. This will prevent yourself from being a dictator. Children need to be TRAINED in respect- it doesn’t come naturally. TEACH them to right way to receive an instruction, accept a no answer, or accept a consequence (Role play looking at the parent in the eyes with a calm face and saying “yes mom” then going and doing it)... AND how to make an appeal (calmly ask the parent to reconsider their decision with an idea the child has thought of that they think is more fair).... THEN when they do ask to make an appeal, LISTEN and consider it if at all possible. (Beware of pride).

(Then patiently re-teach in every situation until it becomes a habit.  High in expectations & love)

2. Be Generous and caring about the welfare and happiness of your children. Before you give a No answer, first consider if you could possibly say “yes.”  ALSO, Be Generous in Rewards and SMALL with consequences to TRAIN not PUNISH.
3. LISTEN until you understand them fully before you give a consequence (Seek first to understand, then to be understood).Consequence right and wrong not preferences or annoyances. Use programs as tools to teach not weapons to punish. Don't revile back when they are rude to you. Stay calm when they are upset and let them talk- help them think through solutions. Don't punish them for the way they treat you-return good for evil-turn the other cheek. Consequence their fights with each other, but don't consequence their rudeness to you or you are modeling it's ok to fight back.
4. Be meek/easy to be entreated... Always listen and consider their appeal if they can make it with a soft heart and a soft voice. Be agreeable and a peacemaker.

4 BASIC SKILLS CHILDREN should develop:

1. Receive an Instruction (Calm face, look eyes, say yes mom, go and do, report back)

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1)

2. Accept a No Answer (Calm face, look eyes, say OK, drop it- no arguing)
3. Accept a Consequence (Calm face, look eyes, say OK, drop it- no arguing)
4. Disagree Appropriately (Soft heart & voice, ask if they can make an appeal= suggest another fair idea for parent to consider)

WORK BEFORE PLAY STANDARD

 

WHAT OUR FAMILY PRIVILEGES ARE:

A. NO PRIVILEGES (Red Light) before any work is done

B. BASIC PRIVILEGES (Yellow Light) are earned when their 5 daily chores (rocks) are done.

1. Play Inside  2. Play Outside   3. Play with Friends  4. Read extra books for fun alone or with family

*Our five daily chores are:

1. Family Scriptures   2. Clean Body & Room   3. Breakfast Clean up   4. Family Scriptures   5. Family Chore  

-If kids start playing or take off without their daily chores being done, I teach them the rock/sand principle and kindly ask them to get their chores done first. (kindness, patience, pure knowledge).  I remind them that they haven’t earned their yellow light/basic play privileges yet.  (I even have golf balls with those 5 topics written on them for them to put in a jar after they do each chore)

-For clean body and room, I have cards they turn over when they are done with each task.  The cards have pictures for make bed, say prayers, shower, get dressed, brush hair, brush teeth, tidy room, tidy bathroom. These have to be done before they can eat breakfast.

C. FULL PRIVILEGES (Green Light) are earned when they their daily chores are completely done, if they have a respectful +obedient attitude, and any consequences for hurting others have​ been met. (They are at the privilege line)

1. Stay up/Evening activities (honor thy father & mother that thy days may be long in the land)
2. Outings/Extra Privileges
3. Technology (games have limits though- only learning games and minutes have to be earned by piano or reading classics)
4. Sugar/Treats

PARENTING TOOLS

1. PERSUASION- first teach, explain, try to soften their heart to obey
2. REPAIR injuries- if they abuse someone or something they have to repair/repay in a way parents agree.
3. REMOVE PRIVILEGES- if they cannot be persuaded and refuse to obey/accept consequence/no answer (are out of instructional control and totally hard hearted) they may need to lose privileges.  (We have a privilege line with a chart of squares underneath it that their magnet moves below.  We give the instruction/consequence/no answer 3 times to test their obedience.  Each time they cannot receive it, they drop a square below the privilege line- up to 3 askings- which means they will have to do 3 obedience instructions/jobs for that situation and any others that they cannot receive afterwards IN ADDITION to their original 5 chores in order to get to full green light privileges (otherwise, they stay at yellow light level). If they were rude or disrespectful to a sibling, they drop below acc to degree of injury and serve that sibling (not parents) to move up.

(Yellow light and Green Light are like the 3 degrees of glory- disobedient choose to live at a lower level of privileges)

4. REMOVE the PERSON- if they are blocking others from their tasks or disturbing the family activity, they may need to be removed (i.e. to their room) for the good of the whole until the activity is over.

OUR FAMILY CHORES

1. PRINCIPLES about TEACHING CHILDREN RESPONSIBILITY:

1. Children can help provide for the physical needs of their families by helping their parents with their work, studying well in school, taking care of their clothing and other possessions, keeping themselves and their home clean and neat, and maintaining good health. (FAMILY GUIDEBOOK) https://www.lds.org/manual/family-guidebook/fulfilling-family-responsibilities?lang=eng

2. Order is essential in the heavens; if it were otherwise, chaos would rule. Order is just as necessary in our homes. President Kimball said, “Plan well and carry out your plan in an orderly and systematic manner”

https://www.lds.org/manual/the-latter-day-saint-woman-basic-manual-for-women-part-b/homemaking/lesson-27-caring-for-our-homes?lang=eng   (Relief Society Manual)

3. Connect Work & Food... Gen 3:19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; 2 Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat.  (We have learned to just withhold snacks that day if they refuse to do their food chore, unless they do a makeup food chore so they don’t have any basic need un-met and feel abused/neglected… we also don’t allow snacks if meals aren’t eaten)

https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/36612_eng.pdf

4. Connect Work & Money… “Have a simple family economy where children have specific chores or household duties and receive praise or other rewards commensurate to how well they do. Teach them the importance of avoiding debt and of earning, saving, and wisely spending money. Help them learn responsibility for their own temporal and spiritual self-reliance.”- Elder Ballard

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/10/what-matters-most-is-what-lasts-longest?lang=eng

5. Connect Work and Privileges… If homework isn't done, technology can be withheld. “The connection has to do with work and privileges. Watching television is a privilege that is earned by being responsible. A child who is irresponsible can lose a privilege.” (strengthening the family course- applying consequences)

    B. HOW WE APPLY THOSE PRINCIPLES:

1. WHAT our Family Chores are:

Each day they only have one family chore (in addition to helping with every meal clean up)

It rotates by day, but stays the same for each child each week. If you don’t have 6 kids, put yourself in the gaps

Child #	Cook Bfast	Laundry	Cook Lunch	Housework	Cook Dinner	Yard  (repair/piano winter)
1 2 3 4 5 6	Mon                     Tues            Wed              Thur               Fri                     Sat	Mon                     Tues            Wed              Thur               Fri                     Sat	Mon                     Tues            Wed              Thur               Fri                     Sat	Mon                     Tues            Wed              Thur               Fri                     Sat	Mon                     Tues            Wed              Thur               Fri                     Sat	Mon                     Tues            Wed              Thur               Fri                     Sat

2. HOW we PAY for family CHORES:

A. Work earns FOOD  (by the sweat of thy brow, thou shalt eat thy bread all the days of thy life)

If they refuse to do their food work (cooking or gardening), they don’t eat that meal. They help pick the meal that they cook- (we have pretty much the same meals each day of the week)

B. Work earns MONEY  (I am a homemaker, so I pay them for their housework job + their laundry job. They then have to pay 10% tithing and 10% savings, the rest goes towards clothes, fun, or extra learning (if they want to do a sport, they pay half) They sign up for housework at the beginning of the month and do the same job each week on their housework day. I pay $2 for them to wash, dry, fold, + put away their own laundry.

*Our weekly housework assignments are:

    1- Clean kitchen appliances ($1),   2- Vacuum Vehicles ($3),  3- Mop Kitchen Floor ($1-2),

    4-Vacuum House + Stairs ($3),   5- Clean Bathrooms ($6)    6-Wipe Furniture (couches, piano, desk) (50c)

*Our weekly yardwork assignment is to care for their garden+sign up for a different part of the yard for pay:

    1- Mow Lawn ($4 whole lawn or $1/section)    2- Edge Lawn ($2)       3- Weed Around House ($4 or $1/side)

                         4- Pick up Yard ($1)            5- Straighten & Sweep Garage ($2)

*We pay them once a week (every Saturday)

C. WORK develops TALENTS:  Piano or Repair Job in winter - they can choose.  If they choose piano, they pass off one song a week- on their piano day. If they choose repair, I give them something that needs to be done that week.

D. All Work earns PRIVILEGES (Work before Play- do your duty first)

*Every child helps with meal clean up- I started by training them in the one that is their level.

Once everyone was do everything, we made a daily rotation.  (Many hands makes light work)

    1- Wash Dishes   2- Load Dishwasher  3- Dry Dishes  4- Sweep Floor   5- Wipe Table   6- Wipe Island/Stove

E. GUNNY BAG

- If they leave anything out and I pick it up, I put it in a DI bag in the garage.

I take it to the DI once a month and let them look first to see if they want to buy anything out. (25c/item)

-If they want it before the DI check, they can buy it out early for 25c or an extra 5 min job

Family Laws

1. WORK        
Family Laws and Pre-Set Consequences help me to keep high expectations without using anger to motivate.  For years, I have used the phrase that work earns food, which was motivating, but sometimes it contradicted the basic duty of parents to providing food for their children- since it is a necessity of life.   We tried work earning play and work earning money which sometimes worked and sometimes didn't.  All year I have been struggling over what the family law should be... does work earn food or play or money?  I had an "a-ha" one night that it earns all 3!

Some work earns *FOOD (such as their assignment for helping prepare or grow the food)
1 exception-- they have to have a clean body and room before breakfast everyday.
(They are in charge of setting their own alarms + getting up and ready before family scripture study)
Some work earns PLAY/privileges (personal duties like their **family chore and homework)
They cannot go outside, play with friends, use technology, etc until their chore is done.
Some work earns ***MONEY (house/yard work that lightens parents' responsibilities)
I made a list of house and yardwork that needs to be done weekly and but a price on it that I was willing to pay them and let them sign up.  They kept it for the whole month long.

*Since I have 6 kids, they each help cook on their assigned breakfast day, lunch day, and dinner day. Sunday is cereal and leftovers or I cook. If they refuse to do their meal, they cannot eat that meal that day... it never happens.  My kids love helping me cook-they plan the meal with me so it's nutritious and something they like.  This way I don't have to restrict their food anymore. As long as they are willing to help cook, they can eat as much as they want. If the meal runs out, I just stay loaded with carrots, bread, milk, eggs, peanut butter as options to fill up or snack on.

**They only have one family chore a day.  It's either their breakfast day, their housework day, their lunch day, their laundry day, their dinner day, or their yardwork day.

***They earn money from, but they have to budget and pay for their own clothes, extra learning (½ sports), and fun.

2. HONORING PARENTS
I have been in massive training this summer with obedience, respect, and emotional control.
My goal is to be super kind yet not permissive of disrespect and defiance.
I've tried time outs, but what if the child is too big to take to time out or won't go?
This is the system we have worked out: (It is tough, but worth it)

There are 4 basic skills that children should have while interacting with parents
(This is from a book called, A House United)
1. Receive and Instruction (say "yes mom" and quickly obey and report back)
2. Receive a *Consequence (say "yes mom" and quickly do the consequence)
(jobs are not the consequence, they are a result of not receiving a consequence... see below for natural consequence ideas)
3. Receive a No Answer (say "yes mom" and drop the topic- no whining)
4. Disagree Appropriately (say "yes mom, may I suggest an idea I think is more fair"...no arguing)

If they cannot receive an instruction, consequence, or a no answer then I tell them they are 1 square below the privilege line. (which means they owe me 1 small job or act of obedience)
I then give the instruction a 2nd time.  If they don't receive and do it, they drop 2 more squares below the privilege line.
I then give the instruction a 3rd time.  If they don't receive and do it, they drop 3 more squares below the privilege line.

Usually they will obey an instruction by the 3rd time, if not- I just drop the topic and they have no privileges until they've done 30 minutes of work for refusing that instruction.  In the meantime, if I have to give different instructions before they have earned those back, they can drop even more if they don't obey those instructions.   The quicker they soften their heart, the quicker they get privileges back.  I give them a list of jobs to chose from.  They can pick from my 5 minute job list (1 square), my 20 minute job list (4 squares), or my 60 minute job lists (12 squares).  They can also move up a square every time they obey an instruction right away that I give one out naturally.

*Consequence ideas:
-Don’t eat meal= Don’t get snacks

-Eat before prayer=wait 5 minutes to eat.

-Fight over toy/game=lose toy or pulled out of game for a period of time

-Name calling/verbal abuse= say 10 kind words or write letter of forgiveness + kindness or soap in mouth (swearing)

-Hurt someone=time out

-Bad for babysitter=pay babysitter

Communicating with Love

Christ is the perfect example of loving others. 

Charity- the pure love of Christ- takes so much prayer and constant effort.

Here are some ways we are working on communicating with love as a family:

(This is from the Strengthening the Family Manual- Communicating with Love lesson)

Eager to Serve,  Slow to Condemn,   

Appreciative,  Forgiving of Others

Compassionate, Loving of Children,  

Considerate of Family, 

Willing to Sacrifice, Return Good for Evil

Strengthening Relationships- Practicing Charity

I have been having fun making charity a game that I can put into practice.
I am trying to strengthen my relationships with my children by serving them more in these areas.
I thought I would share it to help myself and others with a measurable idea.

I set it up like a bank account.
(A relationship or emotional bank account)
I actually downloaded an app to do the tallying for me
(It is called Daily Expenses)

daily INCOME= +1 for any act in these categories:
*Refrain from Criticizing
*Look for the Positive
*Find ways to Help
*Encourage
*Pray for
*Verbally Express Love
*Show Love through Actions

daily EXPENSES= -4 for any act in these categories:
-Criticize
-Judge
-Speak Unkindly
-Force
-Hurt
-Impatience
-Not Listen/Ignore (uncaring)
-Selfish (make others wait)
-Stingy (refuse to share)
-Consequence annoying behavior
-Gossip (speak unkindly about)

The daily total with income as 1 and expense as 4 keeps me striving for 80% or better each day.
It is hard work, but it is so helpful in changing my nature- especially as a leader.
It helps me increase my service, which wins hearts, and opens doors for leading.

I am a goal setter. I noticed that loving and serving others has to constantly be my #1 goal.
If I have any other goal in front of that, I treat people badly.
My mom's favorite saying is "People First, Things Second."
This is a way to put people first.

(I got the income category from Personal Progress)
Divine Nature #3

Emotional Bank Account

For the last 10 weeks, we have been keeping track of our relationships with each other.
If we have a negative interaction with another member of the family,
we have a temporary loss of privileges (Friends, Sugar, & Media)
until we have written them a note telling them 10 things we like about them.
(We started with just 3 things on the first week, then 4 the next week,
and so on until we have stabilized at  10)

Writing positive things has been helpful in changing our mood because it changes our thoughts.
(Sermon on the Mount- Matthew 5:25 "Agree with thine adversary quickly whilst thou art in the way with him." The footnote for "agree"= have kind thoughts towards.)

If one of the children has three negative interactions in a row-
symbolizing they are in a bad mood and can't get out- they have to work for 30 minutes
(Lately I have been sending them to their room to crack walnuts...
A productive form of time out)
Work really does help in pulling us out of a bad mood.

Valentines

This year Donny went all out for Valentines.

He took all his daughters out to eat.

When we came home our boys were all dressed up.

They handed us flowers and had a Valentines Dance with us in the kitchen.

What a great man Donny is- I love him so much and appreciate

how much he honors women.

(Donny and I also like to write a poem or letter to each other on Valentines

and I always make him banana bread just because I did while we were dating.)

 

Myriam's 12th Birthday

 Myriam turned 12 and all she wanted was a hot breakfast!

(She usually gets left-overs since she leaves for school so early)

We made her a big pink smoothie (beets, strawberries, milk)

and german pancakes.

We took her out to dinner at The Crepery.

Grandma Jolene, Grandpa Steve, and Grandma Anderson came with us.

She got to go to young womens on her birthday!

We sang at a Christmas dinner, then came back to our house for dessert.

For her family party, we are going to do baptisms for the dead

in the Bountiful Temple with the Johnson aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.

She is preparing family names for all of them to do.

We love Myriam and are so glad she is in our family!

ANGER

ANGER & PERFECTION
I often struggle to bridle my passions, especially anger.
The cause of my anger is often my desire for perfection.
I get upset when things don't go perfectly. 
It has developed a bad habit of noticing the negative side of things 
(since I want to get rid of the imperfection). 
Lately I have been trying to notice the positive side of every situation 
which has helped me be happier- I find joy if I look for it.
(Inspired by Elder Uchtdorf's talk :grateful-in-any-circumstances) 
Being perfect isn't doing things perfectly, but treating people perfectly (with love)-
especially when they didn't do things perfectly.
Therefore, gratitude and optimism (looking at the bright side of things) are anger prevention.
I think it is because anger is a thought-sin (see Elder Lynn Robbins talk Agency & Anger) and pumping in grateful thoughts produces good feelings.  
Thoughts generate feelings.

ANGER & ADDICTION
I recently read through the 12 Steps Addiction Recover Program
and applied it to anger. I LOVED it. 
It has really helped me ponder the nature of God and His power to help me rid myself of ungodliness and develop a God-like nature.
I love all the writing exercises- they are such humbling and self-examining experiences.
My favorite part was writing down all my weaknesses in one column and then writing the opposite strength that I can seek for God's help in changing.
Every time I feel angry it is because one of my weakness is being triggered.
Anger is my warning signal that I am being ungodly.  
If I then recognize the triggered weakness and pray for the opposite virtue, it goes away.
IT IS AN AWESOME WAY TO TAP INTO GRACE= 
THE ENABLING POWER of GOD 
and really help the atonement come into effect in my life= 
getting me back into "oneness" with God.

Here are some of the weaknesses that I am praying for help to become strengths:
Demanding into Gracious
Stingy into Generous
Dull into Playful
Ignorant/Self Absorbed into Understanding/Caring
Critical into Encouraging

SODAS

I want to share my current system of consequences.

I feel like I lose it less if I have a system in place so I don't have to use anger to punish.

I got this from the book "A House United" by Nicholeen Peck... she calls it the "rule of 3"- I use it for everything

(I know that doesn't match love and logic, but then I don't have to creatively match the consequence to the action

 in the moment, I just let the system do it's work)

So, here are the standard escalating consequences: 

1- Major Job 

2- Write SODAS

3- 24 Hour loss of privileges

Here's how I work it. If they do something wrong (even just talk back to me when I give them an instruction)

1st- they get an extra job (I keep a running tally of things I need them to do around the house and pull it out when someone is in trouble.  It is amazing how work helps them get the spirit back. After they are done working they are usually pleasant)

2nd- if they are rude when I tell them that job, they write SODAS after they are done with the job

(Or the younger kids verbalize the sodas with me)

3rd- if they can't accept the job and sodas, and are out of emotional control, they lose priviledges for 24 hours. (no play, snacks, etc. During that time, they do job after job after job)  

(I don't give the younger kids this consequence, I just send them to immediate naptime- usually when they are out of emotional control, they are just tired/delirious)

Here is an example of SODAS:

SITUATION: I am playing a game with my brother and he didn't count one of my points.

OPTIONS: 1- I can punch my brother and demand him to change the score.

                  2- I can let it go and keep playing

DISADVANTAGES:  1- I get a consequence (job), I lose the spirit, and I won't get to keep playing the game

                               2- I won't have as many points as I deserve in the game

ADVANTAGES:   1- I get even and feel momentarily satisfied

                          2- I get to keep playing the game

SOLUTION:   Next time my brother doesn't count the score right in a game, I will let it go and keep playing.

They actually LOVE doing sodas.  It is great training on emotional control- because their consequences escalate if they can't accept the first one calmly. I even do sodas myself when I have lost it or when I am trying to make a choice about something weighing on my mind. (They can do more than two options, I just do two to keep it simple.)

**One of the key principles to giving instructions & consequences is 

to have them look at you in the EYES with a CALM face.  

You have to be calm before you can give any instructions.  

This is exactly what Christ was teaching when he says to first 

"cast the beam out of your own eye,

then you can see clearly to get the mote out of their eye." (Sermon on the Mount)

You cannot correct in anger and hate- that is the beam.

You can correct (pull out their mote), but you have to be calm first (have your beam/anger out)

Also, I keep repeating in my mind the phrase "Perfectly handle Imperfect People."

Christ teaches us to love our enemies and do good to them that use you (imperfect people),

Returning good for evil, loving, praying for, going the extra mile are all perfect ways to handle others.

In fact, right after all that he commands us to "be perfect."  

I must confess, I know all this better than I apply it.

I often find myself being prompted to stay calm and I push the still small voice aside and do it my own way....

which I always regret. I know I need to pray more for power to resist temptations.