SODAS

I want to share my current system of consequences.

I feel like I lose it less if I have a system in place so I don't have to use anger to punish.

I got this from the book "A House United" by Nicholeen Peck... she calls it the "rule of 3"- I use it for everything

(I know that doesn't match love and logic, but then I don't have to creatively match the consequence to the action

 in the moment, I just let the system do it's work)

So, here are the standard escalating consequences: 

1- Major Job 

2- Write SODAS

3- 24 Hour loss of privileges

Here's how I work it. If they do something wrong (even just talk back to me when I give them an instruction)

1st- they get an extra job (I keep a running tally of things I need them to do around the house and pull it out when someone is in trouble.  It is amazing how work helps them get the spirit back. After they are done working they are usually pleasant)

2nd- if they are rude when I tell them that job, they write SODAS after they are done with the job

(Or the younger kids verbalize the sodas with me)

3rd- if they can't accept the job and sodas, and are out of emotional control, they lose priviledges for 24 hours. (no play, snacks, etc. During that time, they do job after job after job)  

(I don't give the younger kids this consequence, I just send them to immediate naptime- usually when they are out of emotional control, they are just tired/delirious)

Here is an example of SODAS:

SITUATION: I am playing a game with my brother and he didn't count one of my points.

OPTIONS: 1- I can punch my brother and demand him to change the score.

                  2- I can let it go and keep playing

DISADVANTAGES:  1- I get a consequence (job), I lose the spirit, and I won't get to keep playing the game

                               2- I won't have as many points as I deserve in the game

ADVANTAGES:   1- I get even and feel momentarily satisfied

                          2- I get to keep playing the game

SOLUTION:   Next time my brother doesn't count the score right in a game, I will let it go and keep playing.

They actually LOVE doing sodas.  It is great training on emotional control- because their consequences escalate if they can't accept the first one calmly. I even do sodas myself when I have lost it or when I am trying to make a choice about something weighing on my mind. (They can do more than two options, I just do two to keep it simple.)

**One of the key principles to giving instructions & consequences is 

to have them look at you in the EYES with a CALM face.  

You have to be calm before you can give any instructions.  

This is exactly what Christ was teaching when he says to first 

"cast the beam out of your own eye,

then you can see clearly to get the mote out of their eye." (Sermon on the Mount)

You cannot correct in anger and hate- that is the beam.

You can correct (pull out their mote), but you have to be calm first (have your beam/anger out)

Also, I keep repeating in my mind the phrase "Perfectly handle Imperfect People."

Christ teaches us to love our enemies and do good to them that use you (imperfect people),

Returning good for evil, loving, praying for, going the extra mile are all perfect ways to handle others.

In fact, right after all that he commands us to "be perfect."  

I must confess, I know all this better than I apply it.

I often find myself being prompted to stay calm and I push the still small voice aside and do it my own way....

which I always regret. I know I need to pray more for power to resist temptations.